Respect the Crown.

Don’t worry; I am still the hardcore anti-monarchist you know and love. I find the notion that some people are better than others, simply due to the accident of birth, abhorrent and disgusting. Or the idea that I somehow inherently owe loyalty or fealty to someone, simply because their family was better at killing a bunch of people a few hundred years ago, ridiculous. Monarchies are best filed under “Stupid mistakes our culture has made in the past”.

This post is about another type of crown. The one worn by the novel virus sweeping the globe. The one causing illness, death, economic disaster, and entire countries to go on lockdown. Before I say anything more, can we just for one moment talk about how all of this, all of this disaster, death, and mayhem, was caused by some fucking jackass illegally selling endangered pangolin parts? Probably for some “traditional remedy” for dick enlargement. It’s always about dicks and sex with this sort of shit. I would love to find this fucker, so I can personally cut his dick off and shove it up his ass.

There seem to be two major opinions on the matter of the pandemic and how it is being handled. On one hand you have the people poo-pooing the global crisis, saying how this is “just a flu” and “no big deal”. On the other hand there are the people buying truckloads of toilet paper who feel this is TEOTWAWKI.

The fear of illness and widespread plagues is not new, folks. It is part of our collective, cultural memory for as long as we have written things down, and probably long before that. Just think of the book of Exodus in the Bible; especially the death of the firstborn Egyptians.

My late mother-in-law used to regale stories of how entire communities would go on lockdown when Polio was found in an area. School closed, as did swimming pools and theaters. Children cloistered in their homes, because their parents were deathly afraid they would contract the disease. Polio had a death rate of 5-10 % in children and 15-30% in adults. I think many of us alive today don’t know about how much panic this disease used to cause, because we have lived in a world almost free of polio, thanks to the vaccine. My uncle had polio before the vaccine was invented. He lived but had a growth problems caused by the paralysis of polio.

We have good reasons to be afraid of sweeping, virulent diseases. Yersinia pestis killed between 30-60% of the population of Europe in the mid 1300’s and that literally was the end of the world as people knew it (although that was not necessarily a bad thing, since their feudal world sucked donkey balls for most people). I highly recommend Dorsey Armstrong’s lecture series by The Great Courses on the topic.

But back to the two types of responses for now. In the poo-poo camp, we have people like this clown who think we are all overreacting and states that he has “… lived an incredibly full and satisfying life.” Ok, Boomer! Guess who hasn’t lived a full and satisfying life yet? My asthmatic, 10 year old son. Neither has my immunocompromised best friend who is the caretaker of an autistic child. I myself would likely be up shit creek without a paddle if I caught this virus; I was hospitalized for 3 days in 2012 in KGH‘s infectious disease room with a mystery pneumonia. It was either viral or fungal, because it did not respond to antibiotics. We never did find out exactly what I had (KGH is not exactly on the cutting edge of medicine, folks), but I honestly was not sure I was going to survive that. And since I’ve had pneumonia before, I am more susceptible to it in the future. I am not afraid of death, like Mr. Murray assumes, but I simply cannot afford to be gravely ill, let alone die, just yet. I still have children to raise.

And just look at this picture of a woman visiting her elderly mother, who tested positive for COVID-19 in a nursing home in Kirkland, WA. This woman knows her mother is at the tail end of human life expectancy. She knows her mother’s time on earth is likely shorter rather than longer, but can you see the pain in her? Trying to touch her mother one last time through the glass of the nursing home window (as visitors are banned)? What that woman would not give for one hug, one touch. Can you not feel her heartache? I can. These are real people, real human lives, and they don’t matter less because they are old and weak. Not to me.

In the same camp are the people making the same, unfunny joke about the rush on toilet paper: “Does COVID-19 cause diarrhea? Hur dur dur.” That is an obtuse question. People aren’t worried about diarrhea, but they see countries like Italy and Norway locking down and don’t own a bidet or a Toto Neorest. And actually, yes, in the severe cases of COVID-19, people do get diarrhea and organ failure, so can we please stop with that particularly dense joke? That would be great.

I do love jokes. I even love jokes about the coronavirus. I am one of those people who use humor to alleviate the stressors and dark times of my life.

I even have these fantastic, holographic, “Happy Coronavirus” stickers for sale, although no longer on the Etsy shop, because apparently using humor and art is “exploiting a tragedy” (you’d think I was selling bootleg hand sanitizer at inflated prices!)

And then there’s the people panic buying. I can’t blame them. I always shop in bulk. Not to brag, or anything, but I’ve been a prepper since long before this pandemic 😉 I have 20 jars of peanut butter in my pantry, not because of coronavirus; they’ve been there for a long time (probably because they were cheap at one point). I am in heaven when I go to Natural Pantry’s bulk section.

I’ve been ridiculed plenty before, of course. I never minded. I get to say: “I told you so,” now. But no one ever dared presume to tell me what I do- and do not need before. No one who does not pay my fucking bills has ever dared to tell me how to spend my money. Until now, when they cannot find any toilet paper. Sorry, folks; I have always shopped like this. Don’t be sour at me now when you never cared about how many toilet rolls I keep in my stash before. And my family is larger than yours, so you have no fucking clue what someone like me needs. Plan better next time.

Anyway, I fall somewhere in between the two responses. It’s business as usual in the Bender house. I took my children to their aircraft mechanics class today, despite the pandemic. I hugged my friend whose father died this week despite the pandemic. That being said, I am mixing up a batch of Virkon later today and I have instructed John to wear disposable gloves when out shopping (can you believe there are still shops not offering cart wipes at this time!?)

If Monty Python taught me anything, it is that:

1. No one expects the Spanish Inquisition.
2. Everyone should always, at all times, expect the Spanish Inquisition.