Not Today, Jolene.

It has been eleven years since I’ve colored my hair. I’ve been doing the natural thing for over a decade, but I felt like mixing it up, so this week I went red. What do we say to the trifling, home-wrecking whore, Jolene? “Not today!” With henna, I too can have “flaming locks of auburn hair”.

Henna is a natural, plant based dye that you buy in dry powder form. You will find many instructions online, and it seems everyone has their own way of doing things. I used to color my hair with henna for many years, and my mother did the same, so I prepare mine the way my mommy did it, because mothers know best.

You will read some hilarious posts online about henna hair dye and I can tell you that most of them are incredibly exaggerated. Yes, it is messy and yes it will stain fabric, but with a bit of care, it really is not that hard. You may also read that henna fades after four weeks and that you won’t have to worry about roots growing out. I can tell you that, if you use my method, that is a crock of bull. The color will not fade and as you can see from this vintage picture, you absolutely will have roots showing, because the henna color will last indefinitely. When you choose to dye with henna, it will be like any other permanent dye.

A pro of choosing henna is that the dye and process will not damage your hair. There are no harsh chemicals, parabens, peroxides or other toxic crap in henna. It’s just plant powder and it will actually make your hair feel soft and smooth.

A con of choosing henna is that you don’t have too much control of the color you get. It depends on your natural hair color and what you add to your paste (to an extent). On the plus side, it covers gray hair really well without turning neon orange.

Now let’s get down to the how-to. You are going to need henna powder. I use Zenia brand which is available through Amazon.

You’re going to need gloves, some plastic shopping baggies, an old t-shirt, an old towel, lemons (if you want a lighter color), and coffee grounds. Place your henna powder in a bowl and put a tea kettle on. Mix some dry coffee grounds into your henna powder (I used three “pucks” worth from my Jura machine, which translates to 3 tablespoons, give or take). Juice your lemons. The lemon juice is to lighten to the color, so if you want a darker red, skip this step. I used two lemons to turn my natural brown into shocking red. When your kettle boils, gradually add boiling water to your henna mixture and stir well with a fork. You want the texture of the henna paste to be like a good bowl of porridge. I have been told Americans don’t cook porridge, and that the very word “porridge” evokes Dickensian images of orphans eating a bowl of slop, and I feel very sorry for you all, because a good bowl of porridge is wonderful. So let me explain: A good bowl of porridge is creamy and smooth. It is not runny and it is not lumpy. Now let your henna porridge cool down all the way (you don’t want to burn your scalp) and when it has cooled completely, add the lemon juice and stir once more with the fork.

Now comes the application. I usually do this in the bath tub, but this time someone (I will not name any names), dropped a massive stink bomb in the toilet right before I was about to apply my henna. There was absolutely no way I was going to go in there to dye my hair, so I took my bowl out to the deck and applied the henna with my head hanging over the deck rail. Why I never did this before, I do not know, because it was absolutely genius! No mess at all! I will be applying henna on the deck from now on.

Make sure your gloves are on and that you are wearing an old shirt that will not make you feel sad if you accidentally get henna on it. Make sure your hair is clean and mostly dry (moist is ok, dripping wet is not). Liberally apply the henna paste all over your hair. You will want to do this leaning forward to minimize dropping blobs of henna on anything you don’t want to color red. I like to massage it in like I am doing a really deep shampooing. Be thorough and get the ends and sides as well. Then just stick all your hair down and cover your head. You can use a fancy shower cap, but really, a double layer of plastic grocery baggies works just as well. There’s no budget like low budget!

Be sure to drape an old towel around your shoulders in case your head wrap leaks.

The longer you leave the henna in, the better and longer lasting your results will be. Recommended time is 4-6 hours,. My mother used to put hers on right before bed and sleep with it all night. That is way too hardcore for my taste. Truth be told, I can only tolerate the plastic bag turban for 4 1/2 hours (your head will feel heavy and it will smell like a musty meadow), but that has always proven plenty to give me a really good result. When your time is up, wash your hair out well with shampoo. Don’t look in the mirror until your hair is dry. Trust me! You won’t see the true color result on wet hair, so resist temptation and wait. See here my before and after results: