Ma Bender’s Falafel.

There are only two things in the world that are universally hated by all people. Progressives and Conservatives, Christians, Muslims, Jews, Buddhists, Hindus and Atheists, Vegans and Carnivores, Veterans and Pacifists, Cross Fitters and Couch Potatoes… we all hate two things with the fiery passion of a thousand suns: The first is Westboro Baptist Church (seriously, what is wrong with those wackadoodles!?). The second is recipe sites that don’t get to the fucking point and give you the author’s life story before showing you how to cook the damn recipe. So, without further ado, here is how you make falafel.

What you need:

• 1 lbs dried chickpeas, soaked overnight. (do NOT use canned; their starch is spent and they are too mushy).
• The juice of 2 lemons.
• 3/4 of an onion, chopped.
• 6 garlic cloves.
• 2 large spoonfulls of tahini paste.
• cilantro.
• salt.
• (optional) flour.

The night before you want to make falafel, start soaking your dried chickpeas. When you are ready to begin, drain and rinse the chickpeas. Chuck them in the blender with the lemon juice, onion, garlic cloves, tahini paste, a dash of salt and a pinch of cilantro (the latter two to your taste). Blend the shit out of this. It may take some doing, as this is a course mixture. My beast of a Vitamix needs several stirrings in between blending. If your mixture is too dry to blend, add a bit of olive oil.

It is ok for there to be *some* identifiable pieces of chickpea in your mixture. Nobody’s perfect and this is not an easy thing to blend. The following picture shows a level of blending I find acceptable:

Your falafel mix should have the consistency of really thick, chunky peanut butter. If it is too moist, stir in a spoonful of flour. You need to be able to shape small balls, either with a falafel scoop or by hand (I use my hands, because I’m thrifty and pragmatic and don’t have a lot of fancy kitchen tools).

You are going to drop your falafel balls in hot oil and fry them until golden brown.

That’s it! Easy, right? Pull them from the oil and set them on a paper towel to absorb excess grease. Serve inside pita or on flatbread with your choice of accoutrements.

Enjoy!