I have tried being a lot of things in my life that I was not. And I was never “quite enough”. I was never Jewish enough, Catholic enough, Dutch enough, indigenous enough, pretty enough, smart enough etc. Eventually I just stopped trying to be things I wasn’t “quite enough” of, and settled on who I am. And then I was happy. I am Ma Bender, and I live out here in the Hills.
When you are a tall woman, you are either considered beautiful (like a Supermodel) when you are slim, or you are The Warrior Woman, when you are not slim. I am not slim, so therefore I have to be tough.
And I don’t mind that really. Out of all of these actresses, only Gwendoline Christie is taller than I am. I know I am an intimidating chunk of woman for most people. That is who I am.
I also know that 2020 appears to be a weird year for the backroads. There’s been a lot of “guerilla camping” out here in the boondocks. It’s weird. In all my years I’ve been here, I’ve never seen this kind of ballsy behavior. An entire camping enclave mushroomed up at the parking area by the road’s end yesterday.
This is NOT normal, but hey, it’s a weird year and I don’t even know what’s going on half the time anymore!
And I would have let them pirate in peace, UNTIL they started coning off the road, because apparently they don’t like the fact that this is a dirt road and those are dusty and PEOPLE FUCKING LIVE HERE WHO HAVE TO GO ABOUT THEIR LIVES and it kicks up some dust…
In what POSSIBLE fucking universe do you go, as a fucking camper/visitor, to a road and start putting up cones to narrow said road, trying to encumber the people who ACTUALLY FUCKING LIVE THERE!!?? I mean, yeah, this is The Hills and there’s no popo here, but you just DO NOT fucking act this way. Not in my back yard. So I had to go and be the damn enforcer.
My two neighbors had gone over to talk to the guerrilla campers, and they were told the campers “owned property” somewhere down here. My neighbors asked them nicely to remove the road cones. The cones were still there…
So that’s where I have to come in…
That’s how I want you to imagine it went down, but what really happened is that I drove over their cone barriers with my car on my way out to send the hint that they should fucking remove them. When I returned and they were STILL there, even after my neighbors had asked nicely for them to be removed, I parked my car, and started removing the cones myself. I noticed an emissary from the enclave coming up to me. He was a short fella (compared to me anyway) and he seemed rather uncomfortable. At first he tried to be rather dominant: “I’ll take those,” he said. I could see he was not very comfortable at the sight of such a BIG WOMAN though. And his instincts were correct. I am Ma Bender, I am a Big Woman, and I live here.
“I am Ma Bender, and I live here. This is not a campground, but I will not make trouble for you, as long as you do not block my road.”
Unlike what he told my neighbors, he now claimed he was “visiting family”. How quickly the story changed. “You don’t have a problem with people visiting family, do you?” This small fella, who looked like a friendly youth pastor, clearly afraid by a Tall Woman, was trying this crap on me?
“Nah, brother. That’s great you’re visiting family. But you WILL NOT block my road. I live here.”
By the way, I was wearing my “planting dress”; the ugliest dress in all creation, on which I have sewn happy patches of all sorts. It’s my happy dress.
Some times I dress like Ghengis Khan…
But that wasn’t even the case today. I may not be Jewish enough, or Catholic enough, or indigenous enough, or Dutch enough, or pretty enough, or smart enough, but I know who I am.
