Despite Governor Dunleavy’s Health Mandate 012 which prohibits in-State travel between communities for anything that is not critical infrastructure or critical personal need, it seemed like every Sledneck from Anchorage and the Lower Valley came up to the Talkeetna Hills this weekend to ride their snowmachines. What all these Weekenders should know, is that there are quite a few people in Talkeetna town who have torches and pitchforks at the ready and would be completely willing to close the road off at the Y.
I am NOT one of these people.
I understand that there are many Weekenders who own cabins here, and I believe they absolutely should be able to go to their own property. I live out here 365/24/7. I completely understand why you like it here. However, I am a Hill Person, and on behalf of the Hill People, there are a few things we’d like the Weekenders to know, because even out here, in Hillbilly Hell, we have standards.
Do NOT Block the Road.
Don’t fucking do it. Don’t park your big, stupid ass rig and trailer in the road. Not to load or unload, and certainly not just to park. We’ve had a high snow year and the back roads are narrow AF as it is. I don’t want to have to sit and wait for your dumb ass to unload your stupid snowmachine when I am leaving the compound on CRITICAL business. Do not park in turnarounds either. They are there for a reason. It is where the borough graders turn on the rare occasion they do maintenance and if they can’t score the ice road because of your dumb ass, there will be Hell to pay. We Hill People get fuel deliveries some times and if Crowley can’t get here, because you park like a douchebag, may God have mercy on your soul. There are parking lots along the back roads. USE THEM. If one is full, find another. I don’t park my car in your driveway or smack dab in the middle of your Palmer cul-de-sac, so what on earth makes you think you can do that here?! Don’t be a dick. Don’t block the roads and turnarounds.
Ride Your Snowmachines Single File.
I’m certain you are aware that riding a snowmachine down a borough road is illegal. Even the back roads. If a road is borough maintained, you cannot ride your sled on it. We Hill People completely understand that some times you might have to ride your sled down the road to get to the trail. Hill People are much like pirates in that we consider the rules to be more like guidelines…
However, just because we aren’t going to narc on you for taking your sled on the back roads, doesn’t mean you should be riding side by side. Obi Wan Kenobi says: “Sand People ride single file to hide their numbers, and so should you!”
Know What is BEHIND Your Target.
If you must discharge your firearms out here, please be sure of your target AND what is BEHIND your target. I have a 1500 gallon propane tank behind my house. If you start shooting up the boondocks like it’s the O.K. Corral and a stray bullet hits my tank, I no longer have a home. I also have livestock and children out here. If you don’t have an adequate back stop behind your targets and aren’t one hundred percent certain there isn’t a homestead in the direction you are shooting, just don’t do it.
NO FUCKING POACHING.
Don’t be taking chaga from private land. Don’t cut trees from private land. It is YOUR responsibility to know what is public- and what is private land, and where you can- and cannot harvest. Poaching from private land is theft, and it can land you in a boatload of expensive, legal trouble. Also, leaving debris in the road fucks with our snow removal equipment and tires. I don’t come into your yard in Anchorage and cut down your shrubberies and rose bushes. Don’t come onto my land and cut trees. If I wanted to live in a ghetto POW logging camp, I would have bought property in a ghetto POW logging camp. But hey, if you asked, I would probably let you have some beetle kill spruce. Don’t hunt out of season and don’t leave gut piles near homesteads or cabins; we have livestock and don’t want bear problems, bro.
NO TRESPASSING (Durrrrr).
I can’t believe I even need to say this. Again, it is YOUR responsibility to know where you can- and cannot recreate. My distant neighbor’s carefully groomed, private ski hill has been torn up by inconsiderate assholes on snowmachines more times than I can count. His property is clearly marked. I really don’t understand people who do this.
