Boots On, Guns Blazing.

Six years ago I was pregnant with my fifth child. We had just moved to the mainland after living on The Island for almost four years. My OB was located in Anchorage, and I was to give birth at Providence hospital. I’d had some complications with other births, which is why a hospital birth was really the best choice for me. I was given the usual stack of paperwork to fill out, but this time around, there was one form I had never seen before. The Informed Consent form. I knew about those sorts of things. My octogenarian mother-in-law, who was living with us at the time, had signed a DNR, but I figured they must have slipped that form into my paperwork by mistake. I was neither old nor ill. I was a perfectly healthy, pregnant woman in her late thirties. Surely they did not mean for me to fill that one out. I was wrong. They very much wanted me to fill it out.

I sat down to actually read this document, and almost burst out laughing. Now, don’t get me wrong; I am not one of those people who avoids talking about death. I am a biologist, and I am well aware that the natural conclusion to every biological entity’s life, is death. I watch Caitlin Doughty’s youtube videos and read her books. Death is a prominent subject in many of my paintings…

… but this form the hospital wanted me to fill out? It was ridiculous! All the questions were extremely leading, seeming to have the function of absolving the hospital staff of liability in the case things went south, rather than empowering me in my healthcare choices. The questions were so leading and coercive, seeming to glorify non-intervention above all else. The MOST ridiculous example was the question: “I would prefer to die…” Motherfuckers, I am a healthy young woman, I would prefer NOT to die at all right now. Of course, that was not one of the answer options. The options were: 1- In the hospital, 2- At home, 3- I am not sure, 4- Other (please specify)…

So that was the question I answered first on this form, and I answered that question truthfully. I’m pretty sure they have never had that particular answer before. How would I prefer to die? “With my boots on and my guns blazing.”

I know a lot of people will say these informed consent forms are something to ponder before one needs them, but honestly, to me, the answers are going to vary depending on my circumstances. As a healthy, pregnant young mother, I’m going to flip y’all the finger and tell you to do whatever the fuck it takes to save my buns. If I am sick with cancer, my answers might be different. If I am 75 years old, my answers might be different. They might be. I don’t know that for sure, because that would be “Hypothetical Me” and “Future Me” and I cannot speak for either of those people, since they do not (yet) exist.

I have a bone condition and, much like the original Little Mermaid of Germanic folkore, every step I take hurts. I walk with a cane some times. Some of you might think that is not a life worth living, but I assure you that my life is full and happy, I have a friend and former coworker who is 65 and runs at least three marathons every year. Sure, he’s older, but he is probably healthier than you are (he’s fitter than I am for sure!) I have a friend with Spina Bifida. She’s in a wheelchair. She is happily married, runs a business, and is a dog musher. I have a friend who is Bipolar, is working on a PhD and has a loving husband and beautiful children. I have friends (and a child) who are autistic. Some of you might not be able to imagine living their lives, but they are happy, just the way they are. It is very difficult to quantify someone’s quality of life if you are not in their shoes. It is very difficult to quantify your own quality of life in a hypothetical situation. Such is the problem with these informed consent forms.

Now with COVID-19 ravaging the planet, and some countries running out of supplies to treat all their patients, the choice about what medical intervention a patient wants is moot. This choice is now left up to physicians. I’m not going to delve into the ethics of this, because there are articles out there that do so much more thoughtfully and eloquently than I ever could, but suffice to say that choices are being made for people that are unfair and unethical. This is going to cause an enormous toll on the mental health of our healthcare workers, folks, and it is a situation they should not have been in to begin with! Had our response been better, this would not have had to happen.

In the Netherlands, where my mother lives, the response to the pandemic has been even more bollocksed up than it has here (hard to believe, but true). I watched the news of the outbreak there from the beginning. The vast majority of the first wave of COVID-19 deaths in the Netherlands were not in the hospital. And the country boasted about this! It was a badge of pride for them. Most of the deaths occurred at home or in nursing homes, as most of the early casualties were elderly people. And my question is: Were these patients even ASKED if they wanted to go to the hospital? Or was it decided FOR them? Was their life deemed long enough and not worth trying to save? It’s really squicky.

At this point in the pandemic, the Netherlands reports that they will be asking older people whether they want any kind of intervention or not. My mother is 64 years old, and as of today has still been required to go to work every damn day. She works for an insurance company. I understand accidents still happen during a pandemic, and that people still need to file insurance claims etc. However, her work is administrative and can easily be done from home. But no, the financial sector is “essential” and so my 64 year old mother is still riding the damn Plague Train subway four days a week.

If she gets sick, will they ask her, coerce her, to refuse treatment? There’s a difference between being “Death Positive” and being a “Death Cult”, folks. Just asking older, otherwise healthy people to deny themselves medical care feels like coercion. We’ve all seen the online posts praising that Catholic Priest who refused treatment so others would get it; that old Belgian lady who valiantly refused a ventilator… This is what we have become. It feels like we are asking for martyrs; damn near demanding martyrs…

Refuse a ventilator and get 72 virgins in heaven!

That is what we have stooped to, folks, and if that doesn’t bother you, I don’t know what will.

The bottom line is that we SHOULD NOT BE IN THIS POSITION. We should have seen the writing on the wall. A lot of us did and have for a long time, and quite frankly, we are mad as Hell about the pickle our society is in, because we tried to warn everyone. And we are even angrier when people say “No one saw this coming.” Fucktards, MANY of us saw this coming. And we warned you. And you ignored it anyway.