Hey y’all, it’s 2020 and we are in the midsts of a global pandemic and political unrest in the Lower 48. And I’m sure you have all seen the meme about Ramses rolling his eyes at you for complaining about only ONE plague:
That is kind of how I, as an Alaskan, feel right about now, as we are in the midst of our yearly plague… MOSQUITOES!
In my book (and remember that I do, actually, have A BOOK), 2020 is the WORST year ever for mosquitoes. Good golly, I have never seen them this thick! Until now, 2013 had gone down in The Book as the worst mosquito year ever, but you know, 2020 has decided to be an utter cunt about everything, so I can hardly say I am surprised. My bedroom wall looks like a goddamn abattoir. I sincerely hope that no one ever feels the need to luminol my walls!
The mosquitoes appear as soon as Breakup begins; big, lumbering, idiot mosquitoes are the first ones out. They somehow survived Winter and they are stupid and easy to kill. They breed and create the smaller, meaner, nastier generations of the year. If you have a Mosquito Magnet, you can fire it up as soon as the temperature stays above 50 F. Each and every one of these fuckers you kill also eliminates millions of potential future mosquitoes. We love our mosquito magnets and they work fantastically well. Unfortunately thanks to COVID closures and mandates, we were unable to obtain the nets we needed. We will NOT make this mistake again. June is always the worst month, and the mosquito factor depends greatly on Winter’s snow load, spring conditions, and whether you manage to kill as many of the early ones as possible.
Back in 2015, I was able to have both my front- and back door open wide to let in the smoky breeze during the Sockeye Fire. I remember it well, because my husband and three older children were one of the first people to call in the fire. They were on their way to Anchorage for a dinosaur exhibit when they spotted the smoke and pulled over. John called me and asked me what to do. I told him: “Call it in and turn back homeward; they will close the road if the fire spreads.” He did not heed me and drove on to Anchorage. While the children did get to see the dinosaur exhibit, Rigel ended up in the hospital as the wildfire smoke flared up his asthma. He was blue when he arrived in the ER. They called the Chaplain down to talk to my husband as the doctors did not believe he would make it through the night. We were separated for days as the road was closed, just as I had predicted, because the fire spread across it.
Perhaps the Sockeye Fire was what abated the mosquitoes that year, because while those bloodsucking fuckers are attracted to CO2, they seem to HATE wood smoke. June in Alaska is just about the only time you want to sit downwind from the campfire.
Mosquitoes also hate wind. They cannot fly very well and a big fan on your porch or deck should take care of most of them while you sit comfortably. Of course, since I live off-grid, this is not a feasible option for me. I do keep hand fans around and also one of those tennis racket bug zappers.
Most Alaskans have their own secret formula for mosquito repellant. Mine is very simple to make (and will repel black flies and ticks as well):
Ma Bender’s Bug Paste.
- coconut oil
- beeswax
- cedar essential oil
- lemongrass essential oil
You want to take a cup of coconut oil, a couple of dime sized chunks of beeswax and melt them in a double boiler. When they are melted, add a few drops of cedar and lemongrass essential oil. Then start whipping the mixture with a whisk. Keep whipping until the mixture cools down and becomes creamy. Scrape the sides of the bowl. The beeswax will make the bug paste extra lush for your skin, but also serves another purpose; it makes your skin a bit sticky and thus tricky for the mosquitoes to land on and suck your blood. Bonus: you will smell super burly and delicious (except to mosquitoes; they will think you smell gross). I stand by my simple bug paste. I buy my oils from Tenzing Momo where the quality is amazing, but you can of course choose to buy them from any herbal apothecary or MLM peddler you want.
The scourge won’t last forever. Right now the yellow jackets are already hunting them; picking them off the outer walls of the house like a Dutch person pulls “Kroketten” out of the FEBO wall. This uneasy truce will last until the yellow jackets get aggressive and the RAID comes out. The dragonflies will be here soon too. The swallows are already doing their jobs, as well as the bats, whom we made a comfortable condo for.
You can find plans online to build a bat house or buy them ready made.
In just a few weeks most of the blood sucking demons will be gone. We just have to hold out until then. And after that, until next year, when we get to do it all over again. Oh, the price we pay for paradise!
If you want to learn everything you never wanted to know about mosquitoes, I do recommend Mosquito by Andrew Spielman and Michael D’Antonio. Fair warning though; this is way scarier than anything Lovecraft ever wrote.
